I think that over the past year or so, I’ve been clinging on to the impossible idea that despite moving up to Cumbria, life would continue pretty much as it did when I lived in Norwich, and when people were still around. Over the past few days though, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it isn’t, and that realisation has made me pretty happy.
Looking back, it’s not been difficult to spot that I’d been clinging on to a past life. Every phone call I made to people was filled with talk of ‘I’ll come down and see you soon’ and ‘We’ll get together and get really drunk, just like the old days’. But time has come and gone, and these attempts haven’t materialised. Yes, I’ve kept in touch with those that I’ve felt I wanted to, but I’ve only made it down to Norwich a few times, and I only made it Baldock once to see my best friend.
I’ve also felt like I’ve been really unsettled here in Nenthead. I’ve not made friends in the same way as Norwich, and those in the past, and not really felt at home here because of it. That’s not to say the people are nasty, or that it’s not a lovely place, but I used to tell myself that it’s because I was working so far away that I didn’t get a chance to settle. The past few days though, have made me realise that it’s just the next phase of growing up and getting on with life. Dad once told me that as you grow up, you just naturally grow apart from those people you spent your younger years with – not because you choose to, but because life pulls you in other directions. Directions you want to go in, but not realising that other things change as a result.
So just shy of 2 years later, I’ve finished my Masters, moved to Cumbria, married my beautiful wife, and settled down. I’ve got a permanent job (for now), which is slowly helping move towards where I want to be, and I’m in a mindblowing part of the world. A part where community spirit is very much alive, where there’s all the outdoor pursuits you could shake a stick at, and where life is much more relaxed than in the city.
I’ve also been saying out loud for the past year that money can’t make you happy, but at the same time, been eeking closer and closer to paying off debt, not spending as much each month to pay off the overdrafts and credit card, and thinking that I need a bit more before I can do more things in the future.
But following a few long talks, I think I’ve really begun to internalise the messages that things change, that it’s not always bad, that the past wasn’t quite as rose-tinted as you think, and that there will always be excuses not to do things. These are all things that I’ve been saying for a long time, but haven’t taken to heart.
Realising this has made me feel more content and at home than for a long time. I think that finally, instead of yearning for times we had in the past, I’m beginning to focus on the present. On the things that matter, like spending as much time with Becca as possible, and deepening our relationship, experiencing new things together. And with hindsight, I’ve always done that, but I think moving for me was such a wrench I could hardly help but look back.
I hope that one day I come back to this entry and re-read it, and thank God that I made that realisation. Dwelling on what I’ve done in the past gives me a warm fuzzy feeling, but it’s the future that excites me; not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I daren’t think about what might have happened if I’d not moved on as others had – I could’ve possibly lost the only woman I’ve ever loved.
Tags: becca, dad, growing up, internalising, Nenthead, Personal
